Business Opportunities

A "friend" at church contacted me about 3 weeks ago with an unbelievable business opportunity. It wasn't a multi-level marketing thing. This one was different. The product is amazing. They almost had a distribution deal in place with Costco. I only needed to sign up 5 people. Now I am looking for a new way to fund my children's college education, and Aubree continues to regret her decision to marry me for my money. So to recapitalize the kids college fund I had my 3 year old do a photo shoot for Abercrombie & Fitch's fall catalog.







My critic said "Aren't you exploiting our children? What kind of long term psychological damage are you inflicting on their young impressionalbe minds?" "Did you drug me for the 5 weeks we dated?" My response, "At least I don't watch Bachelor Pad."

Abercrombie responded with a nice letter saying basically our son was to young but they felt he was very photogenic and asked us to resubmit some photos when his age would be more appropriate for their catalog and that they looked forward to getting our picture packet in 6 months.

In the mean time we have a nice Graco Stroller and stainless steel microwave that will be available for purchase at our garage sale this weekend, fortunately for me the couch is not for sale. It's just to comfy.

Preschool Graduation Party

My first born recently graduated from preschool. I do not know when it became appropriate to have a graduation ceremony because you can color on paper and not on the table.


So to celebrate this amazing accomplishment I decided to take my 5 year old on the Preschool Graduation Trip to end all Preschool Graduation Trips. Being the reigning father of the year where else would I take my son then LAS VEGAS!!!

My wife who just recently allowed me to remove my ankle monitoring bracelet wouldn't allow us to go unsupervised. She's only one more dirty look away from winning the title of "Fun Hater" but that's a different story for a different day.

So I load the whole crew in the Impala and we are rollin. The chants of "We're going to Vegas" died out after about 10 minutes and one "BE QUIET OR I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND. " I am not going to identify who said what but there is a clue in the previous paragraph. Once alpha dog status was established in the car everything else was cruise control. I literally set the cruise control at 84 and refused to touch the brake. It's actually a fun game that you should try, but not in rush hour, and only if your spouse is sleeping.

Being the high roller that I am I had to show the kids where their Mom spent their college fund and my retirement in one night of madness. The kids were less than impressed. My readers are probably wondering how did I navigate the strip with 3 impressionable kids? Did we drive our car, take a bus, taxi? None of the above we walked. I know all you worry wart parents are saying to yourselves what about all the porn. Upon seeing hundreds of "business cards" discarded on the pavement The Graduate a.k.a. Carson said "Dad Vegas is a dirty city" Yes it is son yes it is. I heard a saying once, it may have been at church "A family that sees porn together stays together." Don't quote me on that one thought



A silver lining from this trip is that in 16 years when my little girl says "Daddy can I go with my friends to Las Vegas for Spring Break? I've never been there before PLEEEASE!!" I have photographic evidence to shoot that idea down.




Aubree and I fought over who got to carry around "Carlos" in the Baby Bjourn. Obviously I lost that argument. For those of you keeping score at home Aubree 83, JR 0. As happy as Brenner is in this photo I wish we had captured the devastation on his face when he realized the M&M was not edible.



Carlos was complaining of a runny nose the whole trip so Brenner always the misguided helper tried to shove the community light saber up her nose to plug it up. If you are wondering where The Graduate is in these photos I was able to get a fake ID for him (thanks again for the idea Aubree maybe you aren't a fun hater after all) Fun facts we have recently learned about Carson, he is afraid of life sized M&M's and he thinks he can kill a bear with a stick and his bare hands.

Three key take away's from the trip
1. Contrary to what others may say "Thunder Down Under" is not a live action documentary about Australia.
2. Four adults, and 3 children in car seats can fit rather comfortably in an Impala, as long as I am in the drivers seat.
3. The couch is comfy.

Photos from not my Wedding

So this is my first post on my new and improved blog. The biggest (and only) change my legion of bloggettes will notice is the name change to something that my wife will allow.

So this photo was taken while I was giving a very emotional, touching, and thought provoking toast at one of my wife's friends wedding. If you can take your eyes off of the wedgie you will notice the woman in the pink sweater is crying. My speech undoubtly moved her to tears. While giving quite possibly one of the lamest "I am so happy for you blah, blah" wedding speeches, I noticed that everyone at my table was doing there best to not laughing. This is not an unusual occurence to hear laughter when I speak, especially at a wedding, however this was a serious speech and alcohol had not been served at my table.

Upon completion of my remarks I was shown this awesome photo. I will now break down this wedgie that will forever be frozen in time, (thank you Reed Edwards). You will notice that my pants are cleaving my buttocks in two which is quite an accomplishment because if you ask my wife to describe my butt she would undoubtly say "stinky and non-existent". The depth of the wedgie is an optical illusion it looks as if my pants could indeed be touching my colon, while in reality I would have gone through the reception line and on to the refreshment table and never noticed any discomfort. I would like to point out that one of my so called friends, rather than using her hand to tap me on the shoulder and inform me that my slacks are taking advantage of me instead is pointing out for the back half of the dinner party "Hey everybody this dude has his pants up his ass." Thanks Natalie Higgins I know who not to call when I am diagnosed with prostate cancer. But hey at least you got a cheap laugh right?