The Biggest Damn Hole In The World

"It's only the biggest damn hole in the world!" When I first heard Clark Griswald utter those words nearly 25 years ago they were like a siren song to me, calling and taunting, causing me to wonder "Is it really THE biggest damn hole in the world?" "Is it really one of the 7 wonders of the world?" "Are all those postcards photo shopped?" These questions and more simmered like a Crock Pot in my mind. As fate would have it my travels led me to Arizona where every license plate declares with boldness GRAND CANYON STATE. Yes the Grand Canyon is my siren song. However, unlike Odysseus in the "Iliad" I couldn't go through my life tied to a ship. (Side note: being tied up isn't always bad, however Aubree is adamant about that story never being told and going with me, to the grave, which coincidentally is probably going to happen sooner rather than later, and not from natural causes.) Sooner or later I knew I would give into the siren's call. I didn't know it would be so dangerous but I did count on me ending the evening where I usually do.

I knew I would have to work myself slowly up to seeing the the damn hole. I took small, incremental steps. After watching several documentaries and downloading every song from itunes that had the word Grand Canyon in the title, I was finally ready for an excursion to a smaller version of nature's wonders. As luck would have it I had two instances that would prepare me for my showdown. In one instance I sold so much Enfamil in a years time that the company paid me to go the island of Kauai where I was able to visit Waiema Canyon, which is otherwise known as "The Grand Canyon of the Pacific.

Sadly, once I took this picture the battery in my camera died. I did remember to email Andrew and Ruth this photo, thanks to me they will forever remember there honeymoon, and happily the whole world now knows that Ruth should have worn a bra.

A separate yet equally unique opportunity arose just after Aubree and I became betrothed. We went with her family to Yellowstone National Park on a snowmobile adventure. To this day I still believe this was her families last ditch effort to stop the wedding due to, one my lack of a job and two her questionable choices in dating. (Does a certain Mr. Lasco ring a bell?) On this trip I was able to view the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. I also saw an angry buffalo try to trample one of my soon to be sister in laws. I will leave it up to the individual reader to determine what the highlight of the trip was. The word bison or ta-tonka still causes certain people to break out into cold sweats.


After viewing the Freshman and JV version's of the Grand Canyon I decided that 2011 would be the year that I would face the music. A less experienced canyoneer would have been nervous to take a 2, 4, and 6 year old to the edge of such a massive abyss. But I am not an amateur, I am an Eagle Scout. The only real danger I foresaw was for myself. Would Aubree take the opportunity to collect on my life insurance policy and ensure that no one find out about the aforementioned rope tying incident? Only time will tell.

I knew things were going to be rough when we encountered a bunch of 4th graders from Flagstaff Elementary. Rather than letting me lead the youth group on a tour and explaining that the Grand Canyon was created by President Obama as part of his stimulus and shovel ready job program. Aubree insisted that we as a family watch the visitor center movie, "The Making of The Grand Canyon" everyone enjoyed it except for one. When I asked Avenlee what she thought of the film she replied, "This is the most blatant piece of tree hugging, environmentalist propaganda, since An Inconvenient Truth. I refuse to watch such filth and allow my innocence to be lost. Can I watch Backyardigans?" I am still amazed at that 2 year old's vocabulary.















The boy's opinion was decidedly different, even though the theatre didn't have popcorn.















As luck would have it Ruth, (from Grand Canyon of the Pacific) and what seemed like her entire extended family arrived on a Greyhound bus shortly before we did. They agreed to take a photo of us. Notice how my left arm is strategically behind Aubree? If you look closely you can almost see the disappointment in her eye's as she realizes that not only are there to many witnesses, but I have a firm grip on her belt, which makes a quick elbow to my solar plexus out of the question. I am on the verge of gloating because once again I have out smarted my wife.














My excitement was short lived. Aubree had a back up plan. Aubree sent Ruth's family away and insisted on taking a photo of just me. Aubree failed to realize that I still had a trick or two up my sleeve as well. Rather than standing alone on the edge of a cliff and making her life easy I insisted on having a "boy picture", followed by a "girl picture."

















The boy picture took 2 minutes. The girl picture, a little longer. In fact we'd still be taking the girl picture's if I hadn't noticed that Carson and Brenner were nowhere to be found.
Children missing? No problem. If I have learned one thing in my life it is this: My boys can supervise themselves just fine. It's not like they would climb and jump around on snow covered rock's, on the edge of a hole that is more than a mile deep, while reenacting completely with sound effects a fight scene from Iron Man 2 and having a snowball fight.















Fortunately I was able to get to my children before they became an exciting plot for Law and Order SVU.

If Aubree was going to make a move it would have to be soon. At that moment I realized that I should have actually read "The Iliad" in Mrs. Carbine's 11th grade English class. More importantly, I needed to get to my metaphorical ship (my car), and tie myself to my metaphorical mast (my seat belt), otherwise my metaphorical Achilles heel (Aubree), would metaphorically hurt me (physically hit me). I'm not proud of what I did, nor am I embarrassed. I did what was necessary. I shoved a Powerbar in one mouth, a Pop Tart in the other grabbed Avee and ran for the car...Why did Aubree insist on holding the keys?

The Pillow Fight

Remember that birthday party when you were 10 and there was a bottle of jelly beans and you had to guess how many jelly beans are in the bottle? Yeah it's kind of like that only substitute pillows for jelly beans and make your best guess. In the event of a tie, how many of the pillows in the picture are allowed to fulfill their destiny? According to Websters dictionary a pillow is defined as "a bag or case made of cloth that is filled with feathers, down, or other soft material, and is used to cushion the head during sleep or rest." http://dictionary.reference.com/browse pillow

Lets make a list of Pro's and Con's to having more pillows on your bed than dollars in your checking account. I'm not saying that we're broke, I'm just saying that unfortunately Chase Mortgate does not accept pillows as a form of payment.

Pro: they are great targets for landing on when you are six and want to jump off the top of the bed frame.



Con: Touching the pillows sends you to timeout, and if your 3 year old brother just so happens to be hiding amongst the pillows and you land on him when you jump, well he should no better than to actually touch the pillows.









Pro: When Dad is home and in charge he doesn't care if kids play with the pillows

















Con: When Mom comes home children are no longer allowed to touch the pillows


















Pro: Pillows cause very little physical damage when thrown, left on the floor, jumped on or used as weapons in the kiddo's favorite game, "Beat Down Daddy"

















Con: Pillows cause large psychological damage and lead to a very upset Aubree when pillows are used for anything besides looking at.

















Pro: With so many pillows on the bed Aubree doesn't even know where I sleep at night.
Con: The Pillows have spread to the couch.

My Greatest Achievement In Life (besides being voted Mr. Pleasant Grove 1996)

I have been training for several weeks now to watch someone else run a marathon.


I got my first taste in watching others run when I, along with a bunch of my family ran a 10k two years. One of my sister's, Melissa (the one next to Aubree) came up with the genius idea. I should have suspected she had ulterior motives. At one point in her life she wrote in her journal "I want to chop J.R. up into little pieces and flush him down the toilet". I know this because I would regularly read her journal. I also would sit on her chest, tap on her head and make her name ten candy bars. I even replaced her Sir Mix-A-Lot CD that I kind of broke. Sure it took me 8 years but have you ever tried to buy a Sir Mix-A-Lot CD its kind of embarrassing. To recap Melissa enjoys running, used to listen to Sir Mix-A-Lot, and wants to hurt me, obviously Melissa has poor judgment.

The road way was lined with people sitting on the curb, wearing patriotic garb, getting their faces painted, and stuffing nachos into their faces.

While running I had this nagging feeling I would be much better at watching people run, rather than actually physically exerting myself. Since I have a go getter type A personality, I set a goal. I wanted to watch someone else run a marathon. As with most goals that get set, unexpected results happen along the way. For more information on unexpected results see my previous post "Why I Blog".

I went online to find a training schedule. Unfortunately, most of the search results were tailored towards training to RUN a marathon, not observing a marathon. I was left to my own devices and I came up with my own spectator training schedule. The training involved making Aubree leave the house 6 days a week to run anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours at a time. I made sure to train in the morning because that is when marathons happen. I would slave away making breakfast for my kids, usually having to make at least 2 bowls of Captain Crunch per child and making sure Brenner gets the Spiderman spoon.

The hardest days were called "The Long Watches" they involved playing Call of Duty 4 Modern Warfare (even though COD Black OPS has been in stores for weeks) and watching TV for over 3 hours while waiting for Aubree to run at least 20 miles AND make a mandatory bathroom break at Port-A-Potty. Have you ever tried to play video games for 3 hours while your children want attention? It's impossible. Fortunately our window screens make it nearly impossible for the prying eyes of a 3 year old to see inside.



If you turn the TV up loud enough it usually muffles the crying. Getting 3 kids outside and locking the door can be tricky but it is so worth it.

FYI: My children believe Santa Claus tunnels into your backyard and if you put your ear to the ground you can hear him.

I can't even count how many times during training where the thought crossed my mind, can I really watch some one run a marathon? What am I going to do with my kids while I'm busy waiting for someone to trip and fall 30 feet from the finish line? After some serious soul searching and reflection I had an epiphany. Why not have Aubree take at least 1 or possibly 2 kids with her while she runs the marathon? After all her sister in law gave her a jogging stroller about 7 years ago. All it needs is a little WD-40 and that bad boy is ready to go. Just look how happy our little Diva is sitting in a stroller. Just imagine the size of the smile if the stroller was moving.



Once again Aubree shot down one of my ideas. It's almost like she had her mind made up to tell me no irregardless of what I was about to say or suggest. And she wonders why I never take any initiative or plan anything? Maybe if she pretended to feel bad when she says no to every suggestion I make I wouldn't feel so crushed and emotionally empty. My wife's negative attitude wasn't about to derail me. I had a goal and I was going to complete it.

Just when I thought I would have to pay attention to my kids instead of focusing on watching the race I had an idea that amazed even myself. I recruited some of Aubree's close girlfriends to watch my kids so I could watch the race. I am a genius. Although this nearly backfired as one of my children went missing on race day, oops I'm getting ahead of myself.

Fast forward to the night before Marathon Watching Day. The training schedule was pretty light, it called for watching football while the kids play outside unsupervised.



Any goal worth accomplishing is never easy. The next roadblock to successful training involved a last minute house guests. My wife's Dad, brothers and 2 nephews came to town for a funeral. While they attended to family matters i was so busy making Macaroni and Cheese and watching football I barely had time to take a nap.

Fortunately, once Carson gets up in the tree he is unable to get down, so that's one less child to worry about.



The saying, "It's always darkest before dawn" is so true. At 7:30 PM on the night before the race Aubree read online that she needed to pick up her race number in Mesa by 6:00 PM the night BEFORE the race. My dream of watching a marathon was going up in smoke. After many tears, phone calls, and one profanity laced tirade, I finally convinced Aubree that just because she wouldn't be running the marathon it didn't mean I wasn't going to watch the marathon. I was going to the finish line with or without her. Rather than being stuck home alone with the kids while I watch complete strangers run, Aubree decided we would all get up extra early and head down to the starting line and threaten the marathon organizers with bodily harm if they don't let her race. Cooler heads prevailed and despite what the PF Chang's Marathon Official website says you can pick up your number on race day.

Aubree headed to the starting line and I went back home. I opened a box of Pop Tarts threw in "Finding Nemo" for the kids and I was back in bed. It took me almost 7 minutes to fall asleep. 3 1/2 hours later my alarm went off. I reloaded the kids and we are off to the finish line. I wisely prepacked soda, cookies, candy, and the camera into my backpack to keep the whining to a minimum. I let the kids bring one toy each so they would keep quiet as well. Aubree's friends/ my babysitters showed up on time and our caravan departed right on schedule.

After parking the car and loading up the stroller, we made it almost 10 feet before the wheel fell off. I knew I should have made Aubree take one of the kids.



Despite my protests (Avee does know how to walk after all) Aubree's friends/my babysitters carried Avee to the finish line. She is so spoiled it's insane.

We made it in plenty of time to watch runner after runner get wrapped up like a baked potato in tin foil.



Side note: That man's medical training consisted of Season 1 of "Grey's Anatomy" after that season "Grey's" really went down hill.







Carson was very excited to see Aubree wearing a Batman cape. However this photo captures Aubree consoling Carson as he realized that Aubree isn't really Batman and she didn't bring her purse full of candy.




Of course Aubree's friends/my babysitters had to get in on the hugging and congratulating. While Heather is hugging Aubree please make note that Kelly is holding Avee. This is the last we saw of Avee for what seemed like 45 minutes but in reality was probably 4.



In Kelly's excitement to hug and congratulate a sweat drenched marathon running Aubree, Avee went missing. No one knows for sure who was supposed to be watching Avee. I just know that I was there to watch people cross the finish line, not my own kids.


I couldn't help but think that if I had held firm and made Avee walk from the car to the finish line then she might have been to tired to wander off. Or if Aubree had ran the marathon with Avee in the Baby Bjorn (guess what Aubree said to that one?) then I'd be able to focus on my goal of watching the marathon and not trying to remember how to activate the Amber Alert system in Arizona. Fortunately my months of training kicked in. I had been not supervising my kids for weeks while Aubree ran. This is what I had been training for. I knew that neglecting my children for hours on end would be beneficial. While the women folk scattered in every direction to try and find the lost child, this was just a typical day out with Daddy for me. In a calm and collected manner (remember I lose my kids all the time, usually at Wal-Mart), I made an accounting of all the children in our group and told them all to stay with Hot Todd (more on him in a different post). Now I was able to start the search. I headed towards the refreshment area, after all what kid doesn't like treats. I promptly found Avee being held by a young lady who was very nice and sweet. Not surprisingly when given the choice between me and a complete stranger Avee chose the stranger. Fortunately Aubree soon arrived so Avee was excited to see someone. With my goal of watching a marathon completed and all of my children present and accounted for, it was time to head home. I just hope Aubree doesn't want to do a triathlon, the couch can't handle all my training.

Business Opportunities

A "friend" at church contacted me about 3 weeks ago with an unbelievable business opportunity. It wasn't a multi-level marketing thing. This one was different. The product is amazing. They almost had a distribution deal in place with Costco. I only needed to sign up 5 people. Now I am looking for a new way to fund my children's college education, and Aubree continues to regret her decision to marry me for my money. So to recapitalize the kids college fund I had my 3 year old do a photo shoot for Abercrombie & Fitch's fall catalog.







My critic said "Aren't you exploiting our children? What kind of long term psychological damage are you inflicting on their young impressionalbe minds?" "Did you drug me for the 5 weeks we dated?" My response, "At least I don't watch Bachelor Pad."

Abercrombie responded with a nice letter saying basically our son was to young but they felt he was very photogenic and asked us to resubmit some photos when his age would be more appropriate for their catalog and that they looked forward to getting our picture packet in 6 months.

In the mean time we have a nice Graco Stroller and stainless steel microwave that will be available for purchase at our garage sale this weekend, fortunately for me the couch is not for sale. It's just to comfy.

Preschool Graduation Party

My first born recently graduated from preschool. I do not know when it became appropriate to have a graduation ceremony because you can color on paper and not on the table.


So to celebrate this amazing accomplishment I decided to take my 5 year old on the Preschool Graduation Trip to end all Preschool Graduation Trips. Being the reigning father of the year where else would I take my son then LAS VEGAS!!!

My wife who just recently allowed me to remove my ankle monitoring bracelet wouldn't allow us to go unsupervised. She's only one more dirty look away from winning the title of "Fun Hater" but that's a different story for a different day.

So I load the whole crew in the Impala and we are rollin. The chants of "We're going to Vegas" died out after about 10 minutes and one "BE QUIET OR I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND. " I am not going to identify who said what but there is a clue in the previous paragraph. Once alpha dog status was established in the car everything else was cruise control. I literally set the cruise control at 84 and refused to touch the brake. It's actually a fun game that you should try, but not in rush hour, and only if your spouse is sleeping.

Being the high roller that I am I had to show the kids where their Mom spent their college fund and my retirement in one night of madness. The kids were less than impressed. My readers are probably wondering how did I navigate the strip with 3 impressionable kids? Did we drive our car, take a bus, taxi? None of the above we walked. I know all you worry wart parents are saying to yourselves what about all the porn. Upon seeing hundreds of "business cards" discarded on the pavement The Graduate a.k.a. Carson said "Dad Vegas is a dirty city" Yes it is son yes it is. I heard a saying once, it may have been at church "A family that sees porn together stays together." Don't quote me on that one thought



A silver lining from this trip is that in 16 years when my little girl says "Daddy can I go with my friends to Las Vegas for Spring Break? I've never been there before PLEEEASE!!" I have photographic evidence to shoot that idea down.




Aubree and I fought over who got to carry around "Carlos" in the Baby Bjourn. Obviously I lost that argument. For those of you keeping score at home Aubree 83, JR 0. As happy as Brenner is in this photo I wish we had captured the devastation on his face when he realized the M&M was not edible.



Carlos was complaining of a runny nose the whole trip so Brenner always the misguided helper tried to shove the community light saber up her nose to plug it up. If you are wondering where The Graduate is in these photos I was able to get a fake ID for him (thanks again for the idea Aubree maybe you aren't a fun hater after all) Fun facts we have recently learned about Carson, he is afraid of life sized M&M's and he thinks he can kill a bear with a stick and his bare hands.

Three key take away's from the trip
1. Contrary to what others may say "Thunder Down Under" is not a live action documentary about Australia.
2. Four adults, and 3 children in car seats can fit rather comfortably in an Impala, as long as I am in the drivers seat.
3. The couch is comfy.

Photos from not my Wedding

So this is my first post on my new and improved blog. The biggest (and only) change my legion of bloggettes will notice is the name change to something that my wife will allow.

So this photo was taken while I was giving a very emotional, touching, and thought provoking toast at one of my wife's friends wedding. If you can take your eyes off of the wedgie you will notice the woman in the pink sweater is crying. My speech undoubtly moved her to tears. While giving quite possibly one of the lamest "I am so happy for you blah, blah" wedding speeches, I noticed that everyone at my table was doing there best to not laughing. This is not an unusual occurence to hear laughter when I speak, especially at a wedding, however this was a serious speech and alcohol had not been served at my table.

Upon completion of my remarks I was shown this awesome photo. I will now break down this wedgie that will forever be frozen in time, (thank you Reed Edwards). You will notice that my pants are cleaving my buttocks in two which is quite an accomplishment because if you ask my wife to describe my butt she would undoubtly say "stinky and non-existent". The depth of the wedgie is an optical illusion it looks as if my pants could indeed be touching my colon, while in reality I would have gone through the reception line and on to the refreshment table and never noticed any discomfort. I would like to point out that one of my so called friends, rather than using her hand to tap me on the shoulder and inform me that my slacks are taking advantage of me instead is pointing out for the back half of the dinner party "Hey everybody this dude has his pants up his ass." Thanks Natalie Higgins I know who not to call when I am diagnosed with prostate cancer. But hey at least you got a cheap laugh right?

Hawaii (pronounced hu-why)

Aubree's parents took us to Hawaii earlier this year. This photo was taken on a snorkel/scuba diving adventure. I tried to scuba dive but my head nearly exploded. I am not a strong swimmer. I saw so many things, things that words can't describe, things that you can never forget, things that are etched into your brain, colors and shapes that are so vivid that if you didn't see them with your own eyes you would not believe them. The snorkeling was really cool too.